You see I have this insane desire to share all my stories that are held up in this body. I have this NEED to make them perfect, moving and beautiful.
But then I stare at the blank page (or in this case screen) and stare and stare! Why is it so hard to share? Why am I so walled up? Aren’t you and I just so similar at our core? All of us with insecurities and belly bruises and deep wounds that make me sick when I really think of it. How could we not all know pain? Yet I wince at sharing it? It comforts me to know I’m not alone in this beautiful and yet somehow scary world.
So Here it is: I am flawed, Im a control freak and I HATE when people leave cabinet doors open! I have really needed counseling. Because well I push people away. I have struggled with my beliefs in God and my beliefs in true love.
I have wrestled with it for years… God… Jesus… Love…
How in the world could God be loving when I feel so much pain?
What’s he up to?
Does he enjoy hurting me?
Is he hurting me?
Does he love me?
He couldn’t possibly love me?
There is no one who could love me, is there?
Questions tumble like weeds that have chocked out the very reason’s I can give you to make life worth living! Questions wrapping around my little heart. Going unanswered making me begin to believe this “life” is all very pointless!
Yes I have been there. Questions are not only something that your pretty heart whispers…
Although thats the best lie, isn’t it? Your alone in what ever you struggle with…
I believed that one too. I walked in and out of many churches and bible studies with my quite struggle growing toward hatred to God.
I wrestled with him. It’s a good thing he can’t get tired because I sure did! I went to my wits end many times and kept finding the strength to fight with him yet again. I’m glad I did because I have found something really beautiful. Something that has awakened me from a deep depression and self-loathing hatred. Something that has replaced all the dreams in my heart and keeps breathing new ones. Something that has blessed me over and over in the few months it’s been since I’v really started to grasp what This Holy, Incredible God means.
I told God one night while laying in bed. I don’t care who they say you are. I don’t care what I believe. I don’t care who you should be to me. I want to know YOU. The almighty God, created and lover of my soul. If that’s who you are show me. If not show me something else.
I fell asleep and when I woke up it wasn’t magic, It was something much more subtle and steady. UNDERSTANDING. Peace. A gentle warm hand around my heart speaking “My darling you finally let those stoney walls down, now I may show you who I really am.” He has done this many times over. Revealing himself through people and books and nature and my own heart. I have felt the anger and depression evaporate. I have began to laugh a lot, create and dream more. I have been set free. I guess that’s what most people would call it huh? Maybe it’s more of a honey here’s a kiss and I made you breakfast in bed now that your awake kinda thing… Whatever it is and will be it’s beautiful. I’m really really thankful.
