I have always been a wanderer.
A seeker of distant lands.
Until I lost all words.
Until my mouth had known your kiss.
Then and only then, I stood still.”
-I think I had took on lovers for the reasons many people do.
All sorts of reasons, really.
But the main one that sticks out:
Running from ones-self.
I think I traveled-loved-loved-traveled and so on because I was terrified of just BEing.
Just being here. Right here. With myself. Empty hands and yet FULL.
I didn’t want to face what “HERE ” meant, because I didn’t like here.
I didn’t like who I was or where I was physically or metaphorically.
I wouldn’t trade those times, those memories and especially those lessons of course.
But right now I am looking at me:
The often emotional,
messy haired woman.
Who is really learning grace and acceptance of herself like everyone else.
I look at all the running i’ve done and frankly I am tired.
Do you know what I mean?
I am sure you know all too well.
-Last year I began a process of digging deep into my shadow and feeling out the possibilities of having really rich soil inside.
I began to:
It hasn’t been easy.
But it has been good!
I have found that when I chose last year to plant myself.
To learn to be “alone”.
To lay down roots for once and be with me, myself and I.
I feel so much more vitality.
I learned to brush up against my own flesh and bone.
I learned to fill my own mouth, heart and soul.
NOW -I feel ready to explore the world again with a knowing that I am not running, but offering myself to the world.
I feel a new strength rooted in my feet, my belly, my chest to grow the relationship with my lover into a wondrously thriving, rare thing.
I feel ready to cultivate the very things I used to use as a distraction from facing those shadows.